I still haven’t totally resolved the issue I blogged about last, but it seems my point was not made very clearly.
It still bothers me that while I say I want an all-encompassing
experience of community, that, in a real sense, I don’t. Do I
really want less personal property and more community property?
Do I really want less privacy and more of my personal life floating
around? Do I want to be known more as an individual or as a
member of a group, a label?
What I feel like is an ingrate off to college on my parents’
dime. In the same sentence, I can go off on my parents about how
they shouldn’t check up on me so much and that I’m an adult now and
they have to trust me and I can do whatever I want anyways because its
my life not theirs–and then right after, I can hit them up for some
money to pay for the latest tuition statement and the “slightly”
inflated credit card bill and also announce my intentions to come home
to let mom do my laundry while I go out with my hometown friends.
Some of our parents might have let us get away with this, but should
I’m not sure if the feeling is that of hypocrisy–or maybe
disillusionment with myself. Or maybe it’s the sudden realization
that “community” is not really the answer–it itself is not the
Christian Gospel. I would argue that it is part of the Gospel’s
context, but it itself is not.
But Jesus himself comes to us in the same way. I want him to save
me, but do I want him to rule over me? I love it when Jesus
speaks grace to me, but do I when he overturns my tables?
Forgiveness is sweet, but fiery eyes and hot condemnation are not.
I don’t know if we have a choice. I mean, we do, sort of–but
we’d just be deceiving ourselves. But the real Jesus is
uncomfortable, not just for those stodgy people “over there”, but for
the proud and rebellious man sitting right here. That’s a hard
thing to swallow.
So, as it turns out, it is not easy to remain in community with Jesus
or others. Both are there when I need them, and will not leave
when I no longer want them–unrelenting at its best and worst.
Both take faith; both take grace. And hopefully, both will pay
off in the end.