From Desert to Garden

“But what then can we do with our essential aloneness which so often breaks into our consciousness as the experience of a desperate sense of loneliness?  What does it mean to say that neither friendship nor love, neither marriage nor community can take that loneliness away?  Sometimes illusions are more livable than realities, and why not follow our desire to cry out in loneliness and search for someone whom we can embrace and in whose arms our tense body and mind can find a moment of deep rest and enjoy the momentary experience of being understood and accepted?  These are hard questions because they come forth out of our wounded hearts, but they have to be listened to even when they lead to a difficult road.  This difficult road is the road of conversion, the conversion from loneliness into solitude.  Instead of running away from our loneliness and trying to forget or deny it, we have to protect it and turn it into a fruitful solitude.  To live a spiritual life we must first find the courage to enter into the desert of our loneliness and to change it by gentle and persistent efforts into a garden of solitude.  This requires not only courage but also strong faith.  As hard as it is to beleive that the dry desolate desert can yield endless varieties of flowers, it is equally hard to imagine that our loneliness is hiding unknown beauty.  The movement from loneliness to solitude, however, is the beginning of any spiritual life because it is the movement from the restless senses to the restful spirit, from the outward-reaching cravings to the inward-reaching search, from the fearful clinging to the fearless play.

“A young student reflecting on his own experience wrote recently:  ‘When loneliness is haunting me with its possibility of being a threshold instead of a dead end, a new creation instead of a grave, a meeting place instead of an abyss, then time loses its desperate clutch on me.  Then I no longer have to live in a frenzy of activity, overwhelmed and afraid for the missed opportunity.’

“It is far from easy to believe that this is true.  Often we go to good men and women with our problems in the secret hope that they will take our burden away from us and free us from our loneliness.  Frequently the temporary relief they offer only leads to a stronger recurrence of the same pains when we are again by ourselves.  But sometimes we meet and hear that exceptional person who says:  ‘Do not run, but be quiet and silent.  Listen attentively to your own struggle.  The answer to your question is hidden in your own heart.” – Henri J.M. Nouwen, Reaching Out (34-35)

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