Subject to the Elements
It dawned on me (again) how subject I am to things that are outside of my own volition. Despite my constant criticism of the liberal self-determinism of Western thought, it is ingrained into my thought patterns.
I’ve been…suprisingly lacking in drive lately. It takes me a long time to get things done. I’ve entertained several theories: (1) that I’m bored with my studies, classes aren’t really giving me what I want, catering to my interests (2) I’ve been expecting too much of myself, that somehow I can go on indefinitely with a strong drive to accomplish everything.
I talked to my professor about this, hoping that he would hear my complaint about the program. Instead of showing concern about the quality of the program and its ability to meet my needs, he casually commented that sometimes you just get in a lull and just have to forge ahead. Sometimes it’s biochemically related, even. Odd…I normally would’ve been very offended by his comment, but I think I was actually wise enough (this time) to realize that he could be right. It could be the economy, the political climate, the weather, my hormones, anything! And I was so ready to think it was just about me choosing the wrong program.
I recently preached a very mediocre sermon and got really down on myself about it (as I usually do–I told you, I’ve got some issues). Then slackeur makes a casual comment about how I’ve been preaching a lot lately, and that I shouldn’t be so hard on myself. What an unimpressive, but very-likely-true comment.
Anyways, I’m still not ready to stop psychoanalyzing myself, but I realize a large part of why I’ve been in such a rut lately is probably due to a lot of external factors. This much I’m sure about.