a work in progress

battling a war in my mind
the impulse to kill is so strong


it hurts more each time
the rage never dulls nor numbs

i know i can’t live like this
…jesus won’t allow it
…i cannot bear it

meditate. meditate, brian.
sing your song
let it be a song of rage
of blinding furious rage
of uncensored emotion
of uncensored and murderous rage
hate that burns so hot
it’s white

“in wrath, remember mercy,”
they cried out to God
“in wrath, remember mercy,”
he cries out to me
not my mercy, but his mercy

how many times have i stabbed him in the back
pierced his hands, his feet, his side?
and how few times did i beg for mercy
like the horrible sinner that i am?
and how many times have i thanked him?
i am worse than leprous ingrates

lock yourself in a room
let it not be opened
not until you forgive
can you be freed from that room
not until you forgive
can you be free

“in wrath, remember mercy”
help me to remember your mercy, my sweet jesus
in the pattern of your grace
help me to forgive
help me not to fantasize about * coming, begging, crying
pleading for forgiveness
weeping repentance

take the tape out of my head
put a magnet to it
erase it
give me peace
give me love
give me joy

jesus, without you
what would i do?
for even now
i am
a work in progress

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